Holiday movies? Tired. Holigay movies? Wired! Your trusty editor James audited four ho-ho-homosexual movies, graded on quality and seasonal spirit, that’ll be a great way to avoid family for at least an hour and a half.
Happiest Season (Hulu) – Writer/director Clea DuVall (But I’m a Cheerleader) may have created the most controversial lesbian Christmas film of all time; just check the Letterboxd reviews. Yet this tale of closeted shenanigans gets a lift from a fun script (co-written by comedian Mary Holland, who also knocks out her role as quirky sister Jane) and a great secondary character cast.
Quality: 3 out of 5 drinks shared with gay Aubrey Plaza.
Seasonal spirit: 10 out of 10 white elephant gifts.
Scrooge & Marley (Tubi, Freevee, Vudu) – The mark of a great gay film is when you can only find it on free-with-ads services. This Christmas Carol-style story of a miserly gay bar owner has a low budget but a lot of heart – and poppers references! Even with a slight drag in the middle, a 90-minute run time can’t be beat. Scroll on your phone as much as you please.
Quality: 2 out of 5 depressing sofa beds in Scrooge’s studio apartment.
Seasonal spirit: 6 out of 10 original Christmas songs belted by women in blouses.
Eileen (in theatres) – Not exactly the Carol follow-up many wished it to be, but this nasty Christmas-set film hits my favorite story theme: an evil coming-of-age tale. The titular Eileen, played by full-time waif Thomasin McKenzie, has a horny holidays with blonde Anne Hathaway, bloodthirst, and a sliding Massachusetts accent.
Quality: 4 out of 5 smoke-filled Dodge Coronets.
Seasonal spirit: 3 out of 10 prisoner-disrupted Christmas pageants.
The Magical Christmas Tree (Tubi, Philo) – A movie so terrible that I add it to this list as a CHALLENGE only. All that I can recommend it for is having two nonbinary actors in lead roles, one of whom is named Socks. Bad jokes, a boring office holiday party subplot, and really fake-looking elf ears: This movie deserves a bag of coal.
Quality: 1 out of 5 stock footage shots of a longhorn.
Seasonal spirit: 5 out of 10 perfect Christmas fir trees in a Los Angeles city park.
Q’d Up
Queer Film Theory 101 Four queer film “professors” present on why their fave films belong in the queer canon, with a different theme every month. December’s theme is “Chosen Family.” Third Thursdays, 7:30pm. Barrel O’ Fun, 1911 Aldrich Ste. 120-B. fb.com/queerfilmtheory101.
Naughty List Only Local Queer ATX and Gay.Do512 throw a holiday party for everyone with coal in their stockings. Featuring headliner Brigitte Bandit, a Santa photo op with Gothess Jasmine, flash tattoos, dancing, and a vendor market. Thu., Dec. 21, 8pm. Cheer Up Charlies, 900 Red River. $5 presale; $10 at the door. instagram.com/localqueeratx.
Mx Deep Dickens CupCake and Bubu present a competition to find this year’s “Holiday Hoe” on Christmas Eve eve, with a crown and prizes totaling over $500 on the line. Categories include a Santa lap dance, poetry remixes of “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas,” and talent. Sat., Dec. 23. Cheer Up Charlies, 900 Red River. instagram.com/shesyourbubu.
Xmas Underwear Auction An underwear auction hosted by Nadine Hughes that benefits your eyes
and local nonprofit Project Transitions. Sat., Dec. 23, 8-11pm. The Austin Eagle, 8201 Cross Park Dr. Ste. B-2. instagram.com/theaustineagle.
Santa Bearby Have a bear-y merry Christmas and possibly win $100 at the midnight Best Belly competition. Sat., Dec. 23, 9pm. The Iron Bear, 301 W. Sixth. instagram.com/theironbearaustin.
Mariah Carey HolyGay Extravaganza Have a holiday hurrah with Brigitte Bandit and her babies Owie and Lawrie Bird, as well as special family guests Noodles and Honey Baby. Plus: DJ Scam Likely, a Christmas market, and more. Sat., Dec. 23, 10pm. Empire Control Room & Garage, 606 E. Seventh. $10. resoundpresents.com.
Roxy Castillo She’s here, she’s queer, and Roxy Castillo is headlining Cap City. Thu., Dec. 28, 8:15pm. Cap City Comedy Club, 11506 Century Oaks Ste. B-100. $20. instagram.com/roxycastillocomedy.
Extra! Extra!
Bike Pals Organizing Meeting Join this local queer biking group at Hank’s as they discuss strategies for community building, inclusivity, communication, and more. Even if you’ve not ridden with ’em before, you’re welcome. Thu., Dec. 21, 6:30pm. Hank’s, 5811 Berkman #100. instagram.com/bikepalsatx.
Mariah Careyoke If all you want for Christmas is to belt pop royalty, Quack’s got ya covered with a Mariah Carey-themed karaoke party. Thu., Dec. 21, 7-10pm. Captain Quackenbush’s, 5326 Menchaca Rd. $5. quacksbakery.com.
The Real House Queens of Wiggle Room Make your res for the hottest new reality show, with host Xtra, queens Eileen Dover and Maxine LaQueene, and music by TJ the DJ. Special guest: Basüra. First and third Thursdays, 7:30-9:30pm. Wiggle Room, 612 Nueces. Reservations via email. [email protected], instagram.com/soo_xtra.
Riot Fair Join the riot hosted by Riotgirl and featuring cast members Venus Rising and Titty Androgynous. Plus: DJ Boyfriend spins. Thursdays, 8pm. Oilcan’s, 211 W. Fourth. 18+, $10; 21+, free. instagram.com/oilcansatx.
Laboratory Thursdays A night of queer DJ experimentation with a rotating roster as well as dancing. A kink & trans safe space. Thursdays, 10pm. The Austin Eagle, 8201 Cross Park Dr. Ste. B-2. instagram.com/theaustineagle.
Spank Bank An all-trans and sex positive showcase hosted by Iggy Bank that digs into “the world of sex and kink, all with style and grace.” Thursdays, 12mid. Oilcan’s, 211 W. Fourth. 18+, $10; 21+, free. instagram.com/oilcansatx.
Christmas Eve Weekend Party “Slay” bells ring all weekend long at Rain with go-go boys, music, drinks, and more. Fri.-Sun., Dec. 22-24, 4pm-2am. Rain on 4th, 217 W. Fourth. rainon4th.com.
Fairyoke DJ Fairy Aries hosts this all-night karaoke party. Fri., Dec. 22, 8pm. Cheer Up Charlies, 900 Red River. instagram.com/cheerupcharlies.
Pink Friday: A Nicki Minaj Tribute Night Host Diamond Dior Davenport brings the Barbs what they want: a Nicki Minaj tribute with performances by Leia Sakura Dior, Mehgan Iman Dlux, Ms. Girl6, Monica Davenport, and many more. Fri., Dec. 22, 10pm. Cheer Up Charlies, 900 Red River. instagram.com/cheerupcharlies.
Full Gallop Presents: Tammie Brown’s Holiday Sparkle Join RuPaul’s Drag Race alum Tammie Brown for her holiday show featuring original music, holiday classics, and storytelling from this sensational drag queen. Fri.-Sat., Dec. 22-23, 9pm. The Vortex, 2307 Manor Rd. $20-50. vortexrep.org.
OutFitness Run Club Get on your feet for a Saturday stroll with one of three groups: a 1-to-2-mile walk, a 3-mile run/walk, or a 5-mile jog. All groups end in a JuiceLand meetup. Fourth Saturdays, 9am. The Rock at Town Lake, 2102-2104 Stephen F. Austin Dr. outfitnessatx.com.
TGQ Social 2 A social gathering for gender diverse folks where you can meet new people and relax among friends. Fourth Saturdays, 5-8pm. SLAB BBQ & Beer, 9012 Research. fb.com/tgqsocial.
Ugly Sweater Party DJ Tony Castro spins at this ugly sweater party, where the worst knitwear gets a $200 Sir Rat Leather & Gear gift card. Sat., Dec. 23, 10pm. The Austin Eagle, 8201 Cross Park Dr. Ste. B-2. instagram.com/theaustineagle.
The Best Drag Show Ever Join host Ritzy Bitz for a night you won’t forget, with cast members like Justice, Casady Milan, DeeGee Rey, Celia Light, Emerald Van Cartier, and Evah Destruction. Remember: “Flash Photography is strictly MANDATORY and drinking is fundamental!” Saturdays, 9pm. Oilcan’s, 211 W. Fourth. Free but RSVP. fb.com/oilcanharrys.
Barnaby’s Boys and Brunch Presented by the Foundry, this “boylesque” brunch serves up sexy burlesque boys with host Bobby Barnaby and the talents of Blaise Ricin, Miss Good, and special guests. Enjoy the Eagle’s offerings of cocktails & mocktails and brunch plates by Chef Gabby. Sun., Dec. 24, 1-4pm. The Austin Eagle, 8201 Cross Park Dr. Ste. B-2. Standing room, free; tables, $15. theaustineagle.com.
Cuff It BabiBoi and Diamond Dior Davenport invite you to a world of slow and sexy R&B at this drag show/party for queer POC. Sun., Dec. 24, 10:30pm. Cheer Up Charlies, 900 Red River. instagram.com/babiboibitch.
B.Y.O.T. aka Bring Your Own Talent Basüra hosts an open mic for all entertainers to strut their stuff in a space of encouragement and uplift. Applications open a week before. Fourth Tuesdays, 10pm. Rain on 4th, 217 W. Fourth. $10. instagram.com/rainon4th.
TuezGayz It’s good music; it’s queer vibes; you know what it is, babe: It’s TuezGayz! Tuesdays, 10pm. Barbarella, 611 Red River. $5 after 10:30. instagram.com/barbarella_atx.
Round Rock Rage Practice Join a rugby team made by and for queer folks in Round Rock and the surrounding areas. Show up with water, workout clothes, and cleats or tennis shoes, and the team’ll help ya with the rest. Mon. & Wed., 7-9pm. Rock Field, 217 Commerce Blvd., Round Rock. instagram.com/roundrockragerfc.
Divina: Noche Drag Latinx Hostess Tatiana Cholula and special guests serve an evening of Latinx queerness. Every other Wednesday, 9-11pm. Oilcan’s, 211 W. Fourth. fb.com/divinaaustintx.
“The Sands of Crime”: A Burlesque Murder Mystery The Jigglewatts give Austin one last thrill before the year’s out in their dazzling yet dangerous murder mystery set in a tropical resort. Featuring cast members Ruby Joule, Jolie Goodnight, Selma Bawdy, Something Blue, and Alexander the Great, and special guests Hibiscus Bloom and Lily Faye. Thu., Dec. 28, 7pm. The Ballroom, 2906 Fruth. $30. thejigglewattsburlesque.com.
Mochi Mochi: A Cosplay Drag Show Leia Sakura, Louisianna Purchase, and Tatiana Cholula present this costumed coterie of anime-inspired performances. Last Thursdays, 10pm. Cheer Up Charlies, 900 Red River. instagram.com/cheerupcharlies.
