A tapestry of bad decisions | Photo: Tom Capon
Why are things so embarrassing when you’re younger? Everyday I walk down the street and shout ‘Oh God!’ directly into a stranger’s face because I remember that one time, in my A Level English class, I burped halfway through my teacher’s feminism lecture because I daydreamed I was at home.
Holidays, too, are breeding grounds for embarrassing moments. And holidays as a young gay person, going on an otherwise heterosexual holiday? It’s like the universe bends to make sure every memory jerks you awake the moment you’re about to go to sleep.
The magnitude of cringe I feel from my 18-year-old vacay has lobotomized most of my memory of my time there. But I can tell you we all wore bright orange tops with ‘nicknames’ on the back. Mine said ‘The Gay’, in an act so pathetic that it causes my stomach to fold through my body and into the pain receptors of my brain. I obviously didn’t pull anyone.
So while I keep those memories repressed, let these gay guys take you through their holiday horror stories – from the gross to the homophobic – with their nearest and dearest heterosexual friends.
‘UV parties… how very 00s’ | Josh Cannon, Instagram
Where did you go and who did you go with?
It was an even split: eleven boys and eleven girls. I was the only gay person in the group, possibly in the whole resort.
We went to an island called Kos, in Greece. We were told it was the next Ibiza. We were so keen we had these awful tops printed that said ‘Kos We Want To’. I’m surprised we didn’t get punched for wearing them. Unsurprisingly, it was nothing like Ibiza.
What was one of the most disgusting things you saw on the trip?
I saw my mate finger a girl on the middle of a pretty busy dance floor. He was at it for ages in full sight of everyone. He then ate a bag of chips without even washing his hands.
Did you ever feel uncomfortable being the only LGBTI person on holiday?
I mean, first off, I want to say it was a great group of friends I went with, and I was never made to feel uncomfortable by them. However, the general atmosphere – the bars, the clubs, the reps – were aggressively heterosexual.
I remember there was a group of lads from England in our hotel who constantly had their cocks out. After the booze cruise they all got off the coach and were walking down the street and pissing at the same time. In fact, one night, they climbed over the balcony and into one of our rooms, dropped their shorts, and did a helicopter dick right in front of us all whilst chanting ‘My cock is bigger than yours’. I did feel a little uncomfortable then.
Was there any group drama on the trip?
For some reason there was a trend in our group to just storm off drunk. One night one of my friends went missing. After we all woke up the following afternoon, she still wasn’t back. Phone was off and everything. We just sat by the pool hoping she would return. Eventually she did, in last night’s outfit, heels in hand. Turns out she met a guy. It also turns out that guy was a virgin and decided not to go through with it, so they just awkwardly laid there all night. He’d also lost his key too, so she had to climb over a cooker and out the window to get out, in front of all the holidaymakers, while wearing last night’s outfit. People were annoyed at her but I couldn’t stop laughing. All that effort and she didn’t even get laid.
Did you hook up with anyone?
Like I said, only gay on the island. However, at least two of my friends lost their virginity on that holiday… fond memories for them I’m sure.
Not quite the boat party he was looking for | Callum Jewell, Instagram
Where did you go and who did you go with?
Five friends from uni (and one of set of parents, whose boat it was) and I went on a canal boat trip from Oxford to Wallingford and back for a few days. I was the only LGBT person on the trip.
What was the most disgusting thing you saw on the trip?
It wasn’t so much what I saw. It was the actions of numerous people we had the misfortune to encounter. That or the absolute state of the toilet that we had to clean at the end of the week… the smell was like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
Did you ever feel uncomfortable being the only LGBTI person on the trip?
Yes. Numerous times. Nothing to do with my friends but in Abingdon we were in a bar and the Olympics was on and it was showing Tom Daley. A guy at the bar started going on about how disgusting gays are and using homophobic slurs. I was trying my best to ignore it but then he turned to us and said, ‘don’t you think boys? Not right.’
I stood up, had a go and walked out. My friends stayed and put him in his place properly. That made me feel really good that they had my back.
After a night out in Oxford we went to a takeaway. I was inside and I got my food and I was called a faggot by two young guys in there. A big argument ensued and I got grabbed by the bouncer and thrown out. When I asked him why I was kicked out when I was the one being abused he told me he didn’t care. We walked away and the guys came back out and started to shouting a triad of abuse after me. My friend had to hold me back from getting involved in a fight I almost certainly would have lot it.
It really put a downer on the trip for me.
A lovely wedding jeopardized by lads | Photo: James Coulson, Instagram
Where did you go and who did you go with?
Went to Majorca and out in Magaluf for a wedding. Three of us from work went together but had about 60 people at the wedding. I was the only gay.
Was there any drama in the group?
The bride kicked off in the coach on the way back from the wedding because everyone was chanting her brother’s name. She took it the wrong way and screamed ‘it’s my wedding so everyone shut the fuck up,’ and the whole coach went silent.
Her brother is a little geeky and quiet. Everyone was trying to include him and banter with him, so all the lads were chanting his name. She kicked off at everyone apart from me because I didn’t join in. She was sat next to me and I had to calm her down. The next day she was laughing about it but nobody else, including the bridesmaids, ever mentioned it again.
Oh, and the groom got arrested the day before the wedding. His mates got him so drunk the police came over and made him get in the car. He was saying ‘can you let me go I haven’t done anything and I’m getting married’ and they replied ‘not any more’.
They did drop him back at the hotel and made him pay a fine. But the bride’s mum and dad just arrived at the hotel and the first thing they see is [the groom] getting out of a police car.
If you are an LGBTI person and have any holiday horror stories you want to share, get in contact with Tom on Twitter at @TomCapon or [email protected]
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