We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Hi Carolyn: My 15-year-old niece has started sharing anti-trans and homophobic content on social media. Her parents have been espousing the same kinds of views for years now. I’ve privately — and publicly via social media — tried to engage respectfully but firmly with them over the years and share my perspective on why LGBTQ rights matter. I did so not with the illusion of changing their minds but in the spirit of knowing I’ve given them accurate information with which they can do what they want.
They’ve cut off contact with several family members who are gay at this point. I know I would not react well if someone (family or otherwise) tried to tell my kid that his views, or our household’s views, were hateful and wrong, but I feel really compelled to say something and acknowledge that this is hurtful and bigoted. I live abroad, and I’m not in touch with my niece or my sister often. That probably makes it even less my place to say anything, but I feel wrong not saying or doing anything at all.
Is it an aunt or uncle’s place to try to look out for the moral compass of their nieces and nephews?
— Stuck Aunt
Stuck Aunt: Since you’ve already engaged both privately and publicly, any further engagement on the issue sounds likely to drive your sister to cut you off, like she has others. You now have the opportunity to show your support for LGBTQ rights on your own page, along with your clearheaded ability to advocate your position while being respectful to others online. It is not always an easy position to maintain, but it sounds as if your niece needs a better example of how to engage in adult conversations. She might find herself questioning her family’s opinions as she gets older, and, if you’ve kept the door open, she’ll be more likely to turn to you when she starts to question her beliefs.
I espoused some pretty ignorant beliefs about being gay when I was younger — before I eventually came out as a lesbian in a conservative area. I immediately knew who was safe to talk to. My mother, who initially disowned me, also knew whom to talk to when she wanted help finding her way back to me. You never know whom you’re going to help by taking the high road.
— D
Stuck Aunt: It sounds as if you already know the answer here: Your niece and her parents are unlikely to take kindly to your advice and will not be moved by it. It’s probably best to let things lie.
If you feel compelled to say something, frame it in terms of protecting your niece’s future. The internet is eternal, and she risks experiencing personal and professional blowback based on controversial posts she makes, even years from now.
— Character Cow
Stuck Aunt: I do think aunts and uncles have a responsibility to speak from their heart to their nieces and nephews — as long as it’s rooted in respect, restraint and relationship. I recommend refraining from social media, which can easily be misread as performative, and write a letter or place a call.
Ask about the niece’s feelings, thoughts, friendships — basically ask about her. Share what you want about your own life. Consider bringing up how your mutual relatives might feel about the particular statements made and about being cut out of her life and vice versa. Anything you can do to make this connection personal rather than political or abstract is likelier to leave you feeling you’ve done what you can — and it might have some impact.
— Pragmatic Idealist
About Carolyn Hax
End of carousel
Stuck Aunt: Your niece is young and parroting her parents’ beliefs — they are the biggest influences in her life. You’re probably not going to be able to debate or drown them out, but you can be an open door to another point of view whenever she is interested.
If you have a means to contact her directly — email, text, DM — consider telling her your view that every human has fundamental and inalienable rights regardless of their gender or sexuality. Tell her if she ever wants a different perspective, you are available to talk without judgment. Maybe she won’t take you up on it, but maybe she will.
— Here
Stuck Aunt: I’m gay, and while my immediate family has been very supportive, many of my cousins, aunts, uncles are very homophobic and often say anti-gay things, both on social media and in person. It hurts every time an immediate family member’s response to those comments is simply to change the subject, say something vague or say nothing at all.
As you consider whether to respond to your niece’s comments on social media, I’d recommend thinking about the impact her comments have on your LGBTQ relatives and the impact your comments or silence will have on them. Your niece is posting publicly, so a public response from you seems appropriate.
— Stand Up
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
