David Luca has struggled with his masculinity.
I never had the confidence to take my top off on the beach until I ended up working in porn. It has helped me to see my body in a whole new way.
Last summer I was on holiday in Malaga with a few friends. I was feeling great and happily wearing tiny trunks on a packed beach.
But then my friend said to me ‘ya pero eras un gay dulce’. It means ‘yeah but you’re a sweet gay’.
I had good stubble, a great tan and was the most toned I’d ever been. And yet my close friend had just politely told me I’m not masculine.
We had been talking about masculinity and being camp and what it is like dating in Spain. And I have to admit that suddenly my new found confidence took a big hit.
I wore makeup and heels in secondary school
I’ve spent eight months trying to work out why I present as not masculine – or at least why I come across like that to my Spanish friends.
A part of it has to do with my friend. He’s been working out in the gym for four years, has a full sleeve of tattoos and is a top. He compares himself and others to the standards of Madrid’s gym community. So I was never likely to score well in his mind.
But that didn’t stop me thinking perhaps there was something about me. After all, my dating life in Spain hasn’t been great.
I want to add that I don’t see being effeminate or camp as a negative thing. I wore makeup and heels in secondary school and have encouraged many friends to express their gender identity more openly.
I just feel like my friend’s assessment of me doesn’t accurately match my own gender identity. I spent my teenage years experimenting to find out that actually I am happy as a ‘masculine’ gay man.
I still love drag race, I am still proud of my sexuality. But I prefer to get a drink down the pub with my friends or watch a game of rugby rather than death drop to Beyoncé. In fact, I don’t bother to listen to Beyoncé at all.
It took a few years to accept the fact I’m a good-looking guy and it’s ok for me to enjoy the Six Nations even though I was the weird femme kid in school.
In Spain, people are still trying to pass for straight
I moved to Spain at 19 and have spent my whole adult life here. I did a year at uni and worked for two years in schools before accidentally ending up in porn.
My dating life in that time hasn’t been great. My insecurities made me feel like, maybe, it was me? I’ve always been quite shy when it comes to flirting or asking guys out on dates. But, at the same time, I’m very open and friendly which seems to throw a lot of Spanish people off the first time they meet me.
To understand Spanish men you need to look at Spain in general. The Allies overthrew Hitler and Mussolini. Meanwhile, General Franco, Spain’s fascist dictator, not only ruled from 1936 to his death in 1975, he even picked his own successor. As Spanish taxpayers we pay for his memorial foundation to this day.
Indeed, 35 years of dictatorship has left Spain a weird mix of the conservative and the progressive.
Corruption in the ruling PP party led to a shock Socialist government in 2005. That in turn means Spain became only the third country in Europe to allow same-sex marriage.
Yet even in the heart of Chueca (Madrid’s LGBTI district) homophobic assaults are common. Moreover, it is almost unheard of for people to be out at work or even discuss their sexuality in public.
In the US and the UK, we are beginning the fight against toxic masculinity. Meanwhile in Spain, people are still trying to pass for straight. As a society, we have a long way to go.
David Luca out for a drink with a friend.
Masculinity, your way
So this is a country where democracy itself is a relatively new idea. As a result, trying to expand self-acceptance in the LGBTI community so ‘gay’ is included within the idea of ‘masculinity’ seems more like a distant dream, rather than an obtainable reality.
I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps I do present as a masculine gay man after all. It’s just Spain needs a while to accept that it is possible to be both gay and masculine.
But what should you do if you have self-doubt about your mannerisms or even your identity? I would say, try to focus less on what other people might think and more on what makes you comfortable.
If drinking pints and going to the gym is what makes you comfortable, then great. If drag or ‘boy makeup’ is your thing, that’s great too!
Do you the way you feel right.
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