‘One minute I’m recording in my basement, the next I’m on Good Morning America…’
It’s been half a decade since openly gay singer-songwriter Steve Grand uploaded the self-funded video for his debut single All-American Boy to the internet.
The clip, showing Steve falling for a straight friend, went viral and made him a star overnight.
‘I spent my whole life trying to make that first day happen, trying to get people to care, pay attention,’ he says, in a bassy Illinois accent that betrays wisdom beyond his 28 years. ‘Then I realized I’d spent no time preparing what I’d do on days two and three…’
So what did happen? On the one hand, the song catapulted Steve into career that’s caught the eye of Elton John and taken him around the world, from Sydney to London to Riga. (He’d previously never left the US).
On the other, it led to a seemingly never-ending stream of scrutiny from bloggers and social media users, of everything from Steve’s ill-advised comments in interviews to his taste in supposedly ‘trashy’ swimwear.
‘It came with a lot of pain’
The barrage of criticism took its toll on the star, who’s spoken openly of experiences of ‘crippling depression and anxiety’ in the past.
‘I was 23 when my first song broke,’ says Steve. ‘I felt like: “Man, I wish people would give me a second to get myself situated. This is hard for anyone to take.”’
But times have changed. ’I’ve been through all that, talked about it at length,’ he says defiantly. ‘I want to put all that to rest. I’m really happy with how things are right now.’
‘But at a certain time it was difficult,’ he adds. ‘Not only criticism, but criticism that was downright mean. But I’ve tried my best to listen and grow. That’s what every productive person has to do. But it came with a lot of pain.’
Here, Steve discusses channeling pain – from break ups to battles with alcohol – into his new, excellent and ultimately hopeful second album Not the End of Me.
Two themes on the album are your sobriety journey and guys you’ve met along the way…
Yeah. There’s a sense of resilience on the record, too. Even though it’s dark, there’s hope in it.
On Walking, you address a devastating break up. Are you friends with that ex now?
Um, no, I can’t say that I am, which is too bad. It’s one of those things. You try to be friends, because when you love someone – it was my first relationship, over a tumultuous seven years – they really start to become part of you. It was definitely a painful couple years, it coming to an end.
Do you remember your last drink?
January 2016. I think I celebrated on New Year’s Eve. I had a glass of wine or two. It’s been two and half years.
Has sobriety helped with your experiences of depression and anxiety?
A lot of people who are artistic [are] prone to that. Alcohol exacerbates it. I would have moments that were so low. I’d deplete my brain of any good chemicals and not want to move or get of bed. I didn’t want to see anyone. I’d stay in bed for days sometimes. It was pretty miserable.
Good diet and exercise: I always tell people, it’s hard to be depressed after you jog for half an hour. I struggle to take my own advice, because when you’re down, you don’t feel like doing anything. But you really do always feel better once you’ve gotten up and moved a bit.
The more good things you’re doing, it has a chain reaction. So when I go running or swimming, it makes me more energized. Then I feel better about myself and it makes me want to eat better. I eat better, I sleep better. Then I feel more healthy and alive. Then I want to create, and feel a sense of purpose. It’s an upward trajectory.
Do you have other coping mechanisms?
I see a therapist because I’m actually quite the introvert, despite what a lot of people might think. I’m an entertainer, so I put myself out there. But I’m inclined to want to spend a lot of time alone. Sometimes that could be a bad thing, so I make sure I’m a) journalling or b) seeing my close friends every so often. I have a therapist I try to talk to every week.
That stuff has been good for me. Talking helps so much. You learn more about yourself than just thinking. Hearing yourself form sentences and verbalize and explain your thoughts, it helps you understand them.
On your new song Pink Champagne, I wondered if you’re addressing an enabler?
No, I wouldn’t say it was a single bad influence. It was something that crept up over time. I’d drink before I went on stage; that’s how it started. I had a lot of nerves. Then I started rationalizing drinking. I’d drink to self-medicate and numb myself. I started noticing that it was becoming a problem, that I was abusing it. I would do it when I’d wake up because I was so stressed and anxious.
It only got worse. I would black out more frequently. Finally, in 2015, I tried to cut back and set limits. It almost never worked. As soon as my lips hit liquor, I wouldn’t be able to say no. So I had to face up to it. Drinking wasn’t something I could do in a responsible way. So I cut it out completely. I got tired of apologizing for my behaviour and wanted to be a better person.
Everything started to get better immediately. There was nothing I missed about it. It’s a different experience when you’re not drinking,I’m not gonna lie, but overall, it wasn’t worth it to me. I’ve been so much happier and healthier and feel a lot better about myself since I stopped.
You address religion in the song Disciple. What’s your relationship with religion today?
Well, I use religious imagery, but it’s not a religious song. That song is the most personal, visceral song for me. I wrote it at the tail-end of my drinking when things were getting pretty dark. Writing it was a cathartic experience. I really scraped all I was feeling from the bottom of my soul and threw it out there. Some people might find it intense, but I don’t necessarily make music to make people feel comfortable with everything. There’s something to be said for feeling uncomfortable sometimes.
Some of my fans will message me, try to figure out what it’s about. They want some kind of closure with it. But life doesn’t always give you any closure. That’s something I’ve learned in the last couple of years – surprise deaths in the family [for example], people I was close to. Things don’t always come neatly packaged. Sometimes you have to find solace in whatever ending or closure you can create for yourself.
As for religion – I wouldn’t say I’m a religious person, but religion is important to my family. We’re loosely Catholic. A lot of my family are big believers in God. We do all pray. I don’t necessarily know who I’m praying to, or if anyone’s listening. I guess you could say I’m agnostic. I’m still figuring out what I think.
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Is there any romance in your life at the moment?
That’s one thing I like to not talk about…
It sounds sound like you’re own your road a lot…
Yeah, that does get difficult. That’s come up in my relationships as being something that’s hard. Because my career is really important to me and it’s been my dream to do music. You’ve really got to strike while the iron’s hot and that’s what I’m trying to do now. It’s not always easy to have a relationship and be there for someone as much as I’d like to be or as much as they would like.
But whether it’s potential boyfriends or friends, you must be visiting the same cities again and again – is it getting easier to form connections?
Well, there are still plenty of places I need to go! But honestly, I really keep to myself when I travel. Or I’ll talk to my mom on the phone! I’m not a big social butterfly. Especially since I stopped drinking, I don’t really go out at night, and that’s fine. But I try to force myself to go out and be social every now and then. I’m in Provincetown now for the summer. I really try to get around because I have to, to promote my show, and make friends that way.
Provincetown is the perfect place to spend the summer as a gay man!
It’s the best. I’ll be performing here three nights a week until 7 September!
For more information about Steve or head to stevengrand.com and bandsintown.com/stevegrand.
Here’s what went down when Steve Grand met Elton John (and Adam Lambert)
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