Have you been on dates that left you desparing? (Photo: Francisco Moren | Unsplash | CC0)
I met this guy on Scruff and made plans for a date, not just meaningless sex, as this was what he presented as we chatted. He asked me to meet him at a local bar. When I got there, he wasn’t.
I waited around for 30 minutes and called him. He was getting his hair cut about two miles away and asked that I meet him there. However, he didn’t give me an exact address, and it took me another 30 minutes to get there and find the place.
We finally met, and he planted a kiss on me – which I thought was a good sign – and we walked to a local bar.
He ordered drinks for us and went to the bathroom because he wasn’t happy with his haircut and wanted to fix it in the mirror. I waited around for about another seven minutes, and he came back with a ‘friend.’
‘I came to find out he had just received fellatio from this dude he had met in the bathroom’
When he tried to introduce me to said friend, he stumbled when remembering his name (hello, red flag).
I came to find out he had just received fellatio from this dude he had met in the bathroom.
The dude was waiting for his drug dealer to bring him some cocaine, which my date seemed very interested in receiving. I chugged my drink and left after a few other embarrassing moments that I can’t fathom disclosing in public.
Learning lessons
Looking back, I see I was still in the space of needing to be in a relationship versus wanting to be in a relationship.
Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. When I am in a space of not knowing what I want to manifest, the universe conspires in my favor and gives me one learning experience after another. I will continue to have this experience presented to me until I learn the lesson.
When we are in the space of not getting clear on what you want, we will attract disasters like Mr. Bathroom Fellatio. I’ll share a few more lessons from this disaster of a first date …
Falling for first date fantasies
You ‘meet’ someone by whatever medium, set up that first date, and here come the obsessive thoughts. You have planned your wedding before you have even met.
While you are on the first date, you jump to thoughts of what the future holds and will you kiss or have coitus or any number of anxiety-producing thoughts that knock you out of the present moment and stop you from being fully in the experience.
You have met, fallen in love, had children, bought a house, and gotten divorced before you even arrive at your first date.
So, you’re on a date. What’s the first thing that you need to do? Remember one thing: YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE (unless you have an experience like I had where this dude and I went out to dinner, agreed to split the check, and his credit card got denied and I lost $30).
You are just two people getting to know each other. Be present. Be in the moment. Be open to the learning experience because in one way or another, this date has presented itself for a reason and that reason is to learn.
Approach a first date like a job interview
Remember, every relationship is an assignment. Ask yourself, “What’s my curriculum here?”
Think of it like a job interview for the person with whom you are on a date. This person is applying for a position in your life (insert missionary position joke here).
Instead of taking the stance of ‘Oh my God, is he going to want me? Is it going to work out?’ think to yourself that you are essentially interviewing someone to be a part of your life in some capacity. That capacity can be as a friend, or romantic partner, or even an amazing learning experience.
I also suggest you know what you want for this position before you agree on the date. If you don’t know the ‘job qualifications’ for the position, you will just get anyone who is willing to apply, not necessarily the right person for the job.
How will this person fit your needs?
Get to know who this person is before making them your future ex-boyfriend (or ex-girlfriend). Your feelings can be a gauge on how this person fits your needs. I am not referring to the anxiety-producing thoughts of what will happen. I am referring to be present to how you feel around this person.
I have had dates where I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. I have had dates where I felt I needed to be someone other than I was due to fear, whether caused by my ego mind or something the other person was doing or being.
And I have also had first dates where I felt I could be authentically me. I can talk about all my loves and hobbies, feel like I am heard, and reciprocate that sentiment when my date is talking.
This is my goal for relationships: to be in a loving and mutually reciprocal relationship.
This is an edited extract from #IsHeHereYet: Being the Person You Want to be With, by New York-based psychologist Dr Tony Ortega. The book explores dating, the reasons you might want to be in a relationship, and learning to accept being single. More details drtonyortega.com
Check out an interview with the author below
Single and unhappy? Be the person you want to be with, says psychologist
