In an enlightening interview with the Los Angeles Blade, Chris Tompkins, author of “Raising LGBTQ Allies,” shares invaluable insights on fostering acceptance and understanding in families and communities. Tompkins, inspired by a personal experience with his young nephew, delves into the complexities of discussing gender and sexuality with children, addressing internalized biases, and the importance of proactive, open conversations. His book, which has garnered critical acclaim, offers a compassionate guide for parents, educators, and LGBTQ individuals alike, aiming to create a more inclusive world for future generations.
Los Angeles Blade: What inspired you to write “Raising LGBTQ Allies”?
Chris Tompkins: A question from my six-year-old nephew inspired me. Despite being out and supported by my family, he asked if a woman sitting next to me was my girlfriend. This made me realize that homophobia can be multilayered, sophisticated, and sometimes manifest as silence.
Los Angeles Blade: How did your upbringing influence your work?
Chris Tompkins: Growing up gay in a religious household, I struggled with my relationship with God. Reconnecting with my version of a “higher power” was transformative. My experiences teaching social-emotional learning and working with the LGBTQ community have shown me the importance of spirituality and self-love.
Los Angeles Blade: Why is your book important for LGBTQ community members, whether they have kids or not?
Chris Tompkins: It helped me realize my own responsibility in raising LGBTQ allies, even as a single, out-of-state uncle. The book encourages LGBTQ individuals to embody the change they want to see in younger generations.
Los Angeles Blade: Who could benefit from your book?
Chris Tompkins: While it’s titled for parents, “Raising LGBTQ Allies” is also a resource for LGBTQ community members to heal from trauma and toxic shame, especially given the current surge of anti-LGBTQ legislation.
Los Angeles Blade: Why is addressing trauma and shame important for the LGBTQ community?
Chris Tompkins: Trauma stems from chronic invalidation, which is common in the LGBTQ experience. Addressing these issues is crucial for mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing.
Los Angeles Blade: Can you explain the concept of trauma in the context of LGBTQ experiences?
Chris Tompkins: Trauma can be subtle and insidious, like the “thousand paper cuts” of chronic invalidation. Even in seemingly accepting environments, internalized shame can persist, affecting mental health and leading to coping mechanisms like substance abuse.
Los Angeles Blade: What is “Benign Neglect” and how does it relate to LGBTQ issues?
Chris Tompkins: “Benign Neglect” refers to the unintended consequences of not communicating about important issues. In LGBTQ contexts, it’s often manifested as parents avoiding discussions about gender and sexuality with children, which can inadvertently perpetuate shame and misunderstanding.
Los Angeles Blade: How can parents discuss sexuality with young children in LGBTQ-affirming ways?
Chris Tompkins: Include same-sex examples in everyday conversations and challenge gender stereotypes. Start these discussions early – children as young as six can understand these concepts when explained appropriately.
Los Angeles Blade: How can adults ensure a child has a healthy space for self-discovery?
Chris Tompkins: Be curious and create space for open, honest conversations. It’s our responsibility to learn who children are, not for them to teach us.
Los Angeles Blade: Any advice for adults uncomfortable with these conversations?
Chris Tompkins: Focus on keeping open, not keeping up. It’s okay to feel uncertain, but don’t let that prevent you from having these important discussions.
Los Angeles Blade: What’s your perspective on the recent surge of anti-LGBTQ legislation?
Chris Tompkins: It’s a countercultural dynamic, like a pendulum swinging back after progress. This emphasizes the importance of proactive conversations to challenge bias and raise allies.
CHRIS TOMPKINS is an LGBTQ-affirming therapist who specializes in gay men’s identity and religious trauma.
Los Angeles Blade: Can you discuss problematic language in LGBTQ conversations?
Chris Tompkins: Words like “issues,” “lifestyle,” “different,” and “trend” can be harmful. They often carry subconscious bias and can unintentionally perpetuate the idea that being LGBTQ is a choice. It’s important to be mindful of our language.
Los Angeles Blade: How can we recognize and unravel our own biases?
Chris Tompkins: Start with self-reflection. Recognize that growing up in a heteronormative culture affects everyone’s beliefs. Consider the possibility that children in your life might be LGBTQ to help disrupt heteronormative thinking.
Los Angeles Blade: What are “messages from the playground”?
Chris Tompkins: It’s a metaphor for subconscious beliefs we pick up in childhood about gender, sexuality, and identity. These “messages” shape our worldview and can perpetuate shame if not addressed.
Los Angeles Blade: When and how should parents answer questions about where babies come from?
Chris Tompkins: Answer when children ask, as their curiosity indicates readiness. Use age-appropriate explanations. Discussing gender and sexuality early helps remove shame and fosters respect for these aspects of identity.
Los Angeles Blade: What’s the most important message you hope parents take from your book?
Chris Tompkins: This is a conversation for all parents, not just those with LGBTQ kids. Do the work yourself and maintain open, honest dialogues with your children.
Los Angeles Blade: How can readers engage more with your work?
Chris Tompkins: Visit my website, www.aroadtriptolove.com, or find me on Instagram: @aroadtriptolove.
Los Angeles Blade: What’s next for you and the book?
Chris Tompkins: “Raising LGBTQ Allies” has been published in Spanish and Vietnamese, with a paperback release on October 1st. It recently received the 2024 APA Distinguished Book Award, which will help it reach more readers, including educators and administrators.
Los Angeles Blade: Where can we find your book?
Chris Tompkins: It’s available wherever books are sold. You can pre-order the paperback edition now.
Los Angeles Blade: Any final advice?
Chris Tompkins: Don’t let fear of saying the wrong thing prevent you from speaking up. Ask for guidance, follow your heart, and remember that having these conversations is changing the narrative for future generations.
CHRIS TOMPKINS is an LGBTQ-affirming therapist who specializes in gay men’s identity and religious trauma. His work has been featured on TEDx, NBC, HuffPost, Psychology Today, the Advocate, and more. An uncle of five, Chris believes the privilege of a lifetime is being able to affirm all children for who they are. www.aroadtriptolove.com
